It's been quite a while since I posted, but I'm still going strong. This morning I weighed in at 163.3. That's 30lbs since JAN 1!!! (YAY go me!) I did indeed hit my first GW of being 170 by my birthday but now I seem to be at a plateau....I have dropped to 161.9 but I keep bouncing back up. I don't know if it's from bloat or what, but I do know that it's been bugging me to kick my butt into gear I need to knuckle down and get serious again. I've slacked off on my running lately but I'm planning a comeback. I made myself a new set of resolutions to replace the ones I'd completed in Feb. so here goes....

• I will be below 150lbs as of MAY 31
• To achieve this I WILL run a MINIMUM of 20 min per night with a Minimum of 2hrs other cardio during the day.
• I will NOT eat more than 350cal per day.
• If I am weak and go over that limit I WILL burn off any excess with EXTRA cardio.
• I will start a toning exercise regimen as well, I want to be thin and beautiful not a skeleton. (Think Supermodel-skinny)

I know this will be hard but I WILL be strong and I WILL BE THIN! Oh, and one other bit of good news....For the first time since I was I think about 12yr old, I have a gap between my thighs!!!!! Not a big gap only about an 1/8 inch but it is there and I know if I stick to the plan it will get bigger.

I've also noticed that my appetite is getting smaller. as long as I don't have to watch people eat binge triggering foods right in front of me and then offer me some I can manage to fast or keep to my limit most of the day. The one exception is dinner with is always a big family affair here so I eat what I want then go for an "after dinner walk" to "make me feel better about the calories" and purge it all in the bathroom of the park by our house. My DH thinks I've stopped purging or if I haven't that I'm only purging once in a blue moon...I know he'd flip his shit if he found out it was a daily and sometime more than daily occurrence, but what he doesn't know won't make him stuff food down my throat and watch me like a hawk.

Be strong lovelies and we'll  all get thin together.

This week has been a mixed bag....good, in that I've managed to keep purging to once a day for the most part and I am (finally) done with baby weight! I stepped on the scale this morning - newly purchased from walmart so I no longer have to go to MIL's to get my weight - at 176.6! (My goal was to be 175 by the 8th of February) since I've got almost two weeks now I'm hoping for <170 by the same date. As I stand right now I've lost 17.4lbs in less than a month....that's pretty damn good and if I can keep it it up I'll hit my next GW before the end of feb....
.....On the other shoe is the S.O.....he's found me out and is. not. happy. So far no real consequences have been discussed only his concern for my health and safety. I had pretty bad morning sickness with C. and S.O is worried about me damaging my esophagus. but.....as long as I keep a medically healthy weight I think we can work around it. I explained that this was not a "new thing" or a "new diet gone too far"....That I had been ED since before we met, even though no, I wasn't purging around the time we met because I was in an extremely physically demanding job and was burning around 7500 cal a day (as calculated BY A NUTRITIONIST) and lost almost 80lbs on a diet of literally pizza, cake frosting and dr. pepper. That my being unable to loose my baby weight due to my thyroid condition had been very hard on  me and extremely triggering. I think as long I keep it out of sight and I'm not obvious about it when I do purge that I can probably continue as I am now...
 

panic attack / heart attack it's all the same

I fucked up yesterday, big time...I had a job interview, afterwards on the way home mom wanted to stop for food before she dropped me off and pulled through a carls jr...she decided that she was going to order my "favorite" a guacamole bacon burger with fried zucchini....Oh and of course she got a burger for the S.O. too. Now, since she - the s.o. - has been quite suspicious lately I really had no choice but to wait and eat the damn thing while she was there and watching me like a hawk. There was absolutely NO chance in hell that I could slip away to the bathroom to purge or even just go for a walk and puke in the park or something like that. No, no...she actually babysat me for like, three hours after I ate it to make sure I kept it down. Now here I am, about two and a half day's calories consumed in one fucking meal, my stomach hurting, I feel like I might puke for real, having a panic attack at the thought of what all that goddamn fucking food was going to do to my body....I tdon't think I can handle stepping on the scale today and seeing that I've GAINED a pound from that stupid burger.

Excuse me....that goddamn, fat filled, fucking stupid burger...that one fucking burger was like 1300 calories and the fried zucchini was another 350...Why? Why would someone feel the need to create a meal that is an ENTIRE day's ration in one sitting? It's disgusting really. and the worst part? Even though I knew I would have to eat it AND keep it down I couldn't let go and be like, "okay, I'm going to eat this I might as well enjoy the taste" nope. I couldn't stop thinking about what it would do to my insides, how the guac that they'd smothered it in might actually serve a purpose in making it easier to bring back up.....

So basically I have to eat nothing today and burn off even more than that....and I was doing so fucking well too...

almost there.....

I weighed in this morning at 177lbs for the first time in more than a year! (Still fat but, I'm getting there) I think taking up running again is really helping the weight drop, and I can feel my endurance coming back too. Once upon a time when I was in really good shape (and I mean like 6 minute mile, bench 150, weighed 145 good shape) I can remember eating only slight ly more than I am now, and still being full. I think that all the absolute pigging out I did while preggo made my stomach stretch. Oh well, at least I'm back on track now... :D

Fittness pal app is AMAZING!

I just downloaded the free app My Fitness Pal for my iPod touch and it is absolutely wonderful. It lets you input your height, CW, GW and will give you a maximum daily caloric limit along with a protein/carbs/fats ratio. It suggested somewhere around 1250cal a day for me - WAAAAAYYYY too high for me to be comfortable but nice to know. The really nice part? It has a database of like 55,000 different foods that you can search (more if you're connected to wi-fi) and will give you the calories in each serving AND lets you customize your serving size and will give you the calories for that portion too! Oh, and you can put in exercise/time-spent/# of reps and it will calculate how many calories you've burned and subtract them from your daily total eaten to give you a daily net cal #.

Which is awesome because I am horrible at math and don't want to have to find a pen to write this stuff down or remember where I put my food journal from day to day. This is SOOOOO much easier. Anyone who is trying to loose weight whether they're ana/mia or just trying to get healthy should download this app! (did I mention it's free?)

I've also been looking into CRON (calorie restriction with optimal nutrition) and find it very interesting. Perhaps it's a distant (if I'm honest, healthier) cousin to ana that might even be able to help me get some control over mia because this purging 3-4 times a day thing is not working out.

The idea is that you can still eat what you want, but the foods should be as low as possible in calories (sounds familiar) but also as high as possible in nutrients and vitamins. That way you can still loose the weight but (again hopefully) without some of the more unpleasant side effects.) I've only just started reading about it, but if it works it could be a viable option...I just don't see yet how it's different from what I do now (other than not purging) the food I do eat - and keep down - I try to make as healthy and nutrient dense as possible, just very low cal.... Oh well, I guess I'll learn more about it as I read more.

.A WORLD OF SHIT.....

Transmission on the only car that can seat both of us (my self and the S.O.) and the baby just shit itself and died. We've known it was coming but I guess S.O thought that there was more time to have the new one built. Nope. Thank you Universe for the giant F*ck You. As soon as she said it the transmission was dead and the camaro was parked for at least a month I all but sprinted to the kitchen to binge on apple pie and ice cream and terrible disgusting food. I'd been holding out all day...I even thought I might make it though without a binge today but no...that hope died with the car.

I'm full of fat and calories and putrid food and it's off to the toilet I go....

It's working...

I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in two days and I was rewarded for my diligence...182! Yay!! That a whole 3lbs and 4oz lost in less than 48 hours...any spins I was having are blown away with the realization that I'd lost almost 11lbs in 8 days. I'm sure now that I can stay strong I WILL meet my birthday deadline to be under 175 by the first of feb... Hell, I think I can make it in less time and maybe even be below 170!! *does a little happy dance around the bedroom*