It's been quite a while since I posted, but I'm still going strong. This morning I weighed in at 163.3. That's 30lbs since JAN 1!!! (YAY go me!) I did indeed hit my first GW of being 170 by my birthday but now I seem to be at a plateau....I have dropped to 161.9 but I keep bouncing back up. I don't know if it's from bloat or what, but I do know that it's been bugging me to kick my butt into gear I need to knuckle down and get serious again. I've slacked off on my running lately but I'm planning a comeback. I made myself a new set of resolutions to replace the ones I'd completed in Feb. so here goes....

• I will be below 150lbs as of MAY 31
• To achieve this I WILL run a MINIMUM of 20 min per night with a Minimum of 2hrs other cardio during the day.
• I will NOT eat more than 350cal per day.
• If I am weak and go over that limit I WILL burn off any excess with EXTRA cardio.
• I will start a toning exercise regimen as well, I want to be thin and beautiful not a skeleton. (Think Supermodel-skinny)

I know this will be hard but I WILL be strong and I WILL BE THIN! Oh, and one other bit of good news....For the first time since I was I think about 12yr old, I have a gap between my thighs!!!!! Not a big gap only about an 1/8 inch but it is there and I know if I stick to the plan it will get bigger.

I've also noticed that my appetite is getting smaller. as long as I don't have to watch people eat binge triggering foods right in front of me and then offer me some I can manage to fast or keep to my limit most of the day. The one exception is dinner with is always a big family affair here so I eat what I want then go for an "after dinner walk" to "make me feel better about the calories" and purge it all in the bathroom of the park by our house. My DH thinks I've stopped purging or if I haven't that I'm only purging once in a blue moon...I know he'd flip his shit if he found out it was a daily and sometime more than daily occurrence, but what he doesn't know won't make him stuff food down my throat and watch me like a hawk.

Be strong lovelies and we'll  all get thin together.

This week has been a mixed bag....good, in that I've managed to keep purging to once a day for the most part and I am (finally) done with baby weight! I stepped on the scale this morning - newly purchased from walmart so I no longer have to go to MIL's to get my weight - at 176.6! (My goal was to be 175 by the 8th of February) since I've got almost two weeks now I'm hoping for <170 by the same date. As I stand right now I've lost 17.4lbs in less than a month....that's pretty damn good and if I can keep it it up I'll hit my next GW before the end of feb....
.....On the other shoe is the S.O.....he's found me out and is. not. happy. So far no real consequences have been discussed only his concern for my health and safety. I had pretty bad morning sickness with C. and S.O is worried about me damaging my esophagus. but.....as long as I keep a medically healthy weight I think we can work around it. I explained that this was not a "new thing" or a "new diet gone too far"....That I had been ED since before we met, even though no, I wasn't purging around the time we met because I was in an extremely physically demanding job and was burning around 7500 cal a day (as calculated BY A NUTRITIONIST) and lost almost 80lbs on a diet of literally pizza, cake frosting and dr. pepper. That my being unable to loose my baby weight due to my thyroid condition had been very hard on  me and extremely triggering. I think as long I keep it out of sight and I'm not obvious about it when I do purge that I can probably continue as I am now...
 

panic attack / heart attack it's all the same

I fucked up yesterday, big time...I had a job interview, afterwards on the way home mom wanted to stop for food before she dropped me off and pulled through a carls jr...she decided that she was going to order my "favorite" a guacamole bacon burger with fried zucchini....Oh and of course she got a burger for the S.O. too. Now, since she - the s.o. - has been quite suspicious lately I really had no choice but to wait and eat the damn thing while she was there and watching me like a hawk. There was absolutely NO chance in hell that I could slip away to the bathroom to purge or even just go for a walk and puke in the park or something like that. No, no...she actually babysat me for like, three hours after I ate it to make sure I kept it down. Now here I am, about two and a half day's calories consumed in one fucking meal, my stomach hurting, I feel like I might puke for real, having a panic attack at the thought of what all that goddamn fucking food was going to do to my body....I tdon't think I can handle stepping on the scale today and seeing that I've GAINED a pound from that stupid burger.

Excuse me....that goddamn, fat filled, fucking stupid burger...that one fucking burger was like 1300 calories and the fried zucchini was another 350...Why? Why would someone feel the need to create a meal that is an ENTIRE day's ration in one sitting? It's disgusting really. and the worst part? Even though I knew I would have to eat it AND keep it down I couldn't let go and be like, "okay, I'm going to eat this I might as well enjoy the taste" nope. I couldn't stop thinking about what it would do to my insides, how the guac that they'd smothered it in might actually serve a purpose in making it easier to bring back up.....

So basically I have to eat nothing today and burn off even more than that....and I was doing so fucking well too...

almost there.....

I weighed in this morning at 177lbs for the first time in more than a year! (Still fat but, I'm getting there) I think taking up running again is really helping the weight drop, and I can feel my endurance coming back too. Once upon a time when I was in really good shape (and I mean like 6 minute mile, bench 150, weighed 145 good shape) I can remember eating only slight ly more than I am now, and still being full. I think that all the absolute pigging out I did while preggo made my stomach stretch. Oh well, at least I'm back on track now... :D

Fittness pal app is AMAZING!

I just downloaded the free app My Fitness Pal for my iPod touch and it is absolutely wonderful. It lets you input your height, CW, GW and will give you a maximum daily caloric limit along with a protein/carbs/fats ratio. It suggested somewhere around 1250cal a day for me - WAAAAAYYYY too high for me to be comfortable but nice to know. The really nice part? It has a database of like 55,000 different foods that you can search (more if you're connected to wi-fi) and will give you the calories in each serving AND lets you customize your serving size and will give you the calories for that portion too! Oh, and you can put in exercise/time-spent/# of reps and it will calculate how many calories you've burned and subtract them from your daily total eaten to give you a daily net cal #.

Which is awesome because I am horrible at math and don't want to have to find a pen to write this stuff down or remember where I put my food journal from day to day. This is SOOOOO much easier. Anyone who is trying to loose weight whether they're ana/mia or just trying to get healthy should download this app! (did I mention it's free?)

I've also been looking into CRON (calorie restriction with optimal nutrition) and find it very interesting. Perhaps it's a distant (if I'm honest, healthier) cousin to ana that might even be able to help me get some control over mia because this purging 3-4 times a day thing is not working out.

The idea is that you can still eat what you want, but the foods should be as low as possible in calories (sounds familiar) but also as high as possible in nutrients and vitamins. That way you can still loose the weight but (again hopefully) without some of the more unpleasant side effects.) I've only just started reading about it, but if it works it could be a viable option...I just don't see yet how it's different from what I do now (other than not purging) the food I do eat - and keep down - I try to make as healthy and nutrient dense as possible, just very low cal.... Oh well, I guess I'll learn more about it as I read more.

.A WORLD OF SHIT.....

Transmission on the only car that can seat both of us (my self and the S.O.) and the baby just shit itself and died. We've known it was coming but I guess S.O thought that there was more time to have the new one built. Nope. Thank you Universe for the giant F*ck You. As soon as she said it the transmission was dead and the camaro was parked for at least a month I all but sprinted to the kitchen to binge on apple pie and ice cream and terrible disgusting food. I'd been holding out all day...I even thought I might make it though without a binge today but no...that hope died with the car.

I'm full of fat and calories and putrid food and it's off to the toilet I go....

It's working...

I stepped on the scale this morning for the first time in two days and I was rewarded for my diligence...182! Yay!! That a whole 3lbs and 4oz lost in less than 48 hours...any spins I was having are blown away with the realization that I'd lost almost 11lbs in 8 days. I'm sure now that I can stay strong I WILL meet my birthday deadline to be under 175 by the first of feb... Hell, I think I can make it in less time and maybe even be below 170!! *does a little happy dance around the bedroom*

aaaaand....they had to call in the S.W.A.T. team....again.

The title pretty much says it all. That was how my day went. What had started out as normal - better than normal even, since I had an entire 3 hours to my self to ride, and a non-fat sugar free caramel macchiato to fuel my good mood and had manage not to binge/purge this morning and was thinking I might actually make it all day at <600 calories WITHOUT a binge session. But no. No easy going, predictable day for me....

 I pulled into my barn and my boss's husband Turkey was there. The first words out of his mouth? "Hey, sweetheart. If you see a crazy man up on the hill shouting at you, just try to ignore him." Ooookay.... Weird, but do-able. I'd been gone for about two weeks so apparently I'd missed out on some fun times. Apparently one of the neighbors to the north of us, right above the horse pens, is a paranoid schizophrenic and had decided he was cured and could go off his meds about the time I took vacation. Special. But again, I have a high tolerance for stupidity as long as it's far enough away that I can ignore it. However, I come to find out that he - our neighbor - had not only come onto the property and shouted at some of the kids taking lessons, but had been emptying the water troughs, waving a rifle at Turkey and the other boarders from his porch, putting a spotlight on the property and aiming at us and had called animal control to tell them that the horses were talking to him and had told him that we were evil and that they were going to take a vote about getting rid of us. Us, being the owners and riding instructors at my barn.

Fast forward to later this afternoon, me and a friend are cart driving her mini in the pasture below the horse pens, and he's back on the porch shouting obscenities at us. Now, don't misunderstand me, the spouse creature is ex - navy, we've both worked in construction before, so I am not easily offended by swearing like a drunken sailor, however when he screamed that we had started a war and he would put a .38 caliber right between my eyes I will take notice. We high tailed it back to the other side of the arena, collected the other two boarders and they're 9 year old daughter who were still on the property and went down to the gate - read out of his line of sight - to wait for the police to arrive. They only took about 10 minutes to get there but it took them about three and a half hours to get all the statements and warrants that they needed to go onto the neighborhood nutcase's property and arrest him. However, he took off in his pickup with about 10 rifles, a 9mm and a 45 and ran for the woods - which, it should be noted are NOT part of his property but part of ours.

 By this time there were about nine patrol cars, from Cibolo and Shertz there, an unmarked car, a police truck and apparently they felt that that was not enough manpower to take down a lone lunatic so....they called in the S.W.A.T. team and - 5 hours later - finally escorted us back onto the property from the driveway across the road where we'd taken up watch to get our vehicles and actually be able to leave.  Now it's like 7pm and I still have to go pick up the baby and bring her home to bed, and that takes another hour or so. You'd think that would have been the end to my day but no....I passed a freebirds World Burrito on the way home and it called to me like nothing else. I knew I was going to go back and I knew I was going to buy a burrito large enough to feed a small third world nation. Maybe that's why they call it World Burrito? But I DID go back and I did by one. And then I came home, at a bowl of spinach, drank two cups of water and promptly stuffed my disgusting gob with that monstrous mound of food and retched over the porcelain god in the bathroom until I became reacquainted with that same spinach and I felt marginally better.

I'm saying exactly what you don't ever want to say

Sooooo....the spouse creature is starting to suspect something. I call her my spouse creature, not because she's a creature but because GF or wife doesn't really sound right and though technically she's my husband (whole other story there...) I can't really call her that. She - and my daughter - are the best things in my life. terrible how  I also want to add my bathroom scale to that list, isn't it? and she is the only thing that keeps me sane. I know she loves me no matter what size I am, I know it. I know it because even when I was pregnant and super gross and huge and fatter than I've ever been IN MY LIFE she could still say I was a hot wife and mean it. (she doesn't have it in her to lie) But.....

 Even though she would never, ever say it, she want me to be thin. She wants me to be that starving artist waif I want to be. She shows me pictures of beautiful -read thin- girls in amazing clothes and tells me how cute I would look in them. I nod and make agreeable noises and try to stifle that terrible inner voice telling me how disgusting I am, that the hunger I'm feeling is immaterial and I am so very weak for giving in while there is still an ounce of fat on my flesh.

She'll take me shopping and show me all the things she'd love me to wear and before she even holds it up for inspection I know that it will never fit me, that it will not even be made in my size because no one would want to see someone like me wear something like that. But she doesn't realize what it does to me...she's skinny. She's always been skinny, and probably always will be. She's the sort of blessed person who can eat an entire pizza and actually LOOSE weight from the effort of chewing.

Aaaaannd it's back....

 So first post on this blog. I've never really done a blog before, I've journalled but it's just not the same somehow. In a journal, I am only accountable to myself. I am the only one who knows. But this is so much better. If I write it here, I am accountable to the infinite numbers who might one day read what I put to page. There is accountability, and with that accountability there is more focus on my part. More - and a better kind - of pressure to actually meet the goals I set for myself and then to surpass them.

 For the past three or four years or so my ED  has been in hiding. I was either too busy to think about what I was eating, then I was pregnant and even as my blood pressure rose right along with those scales I knew in my core that this time - this one and only time - I NEEDED to gain weight even more than I needed to loose it because it wasn't just me. Now my daughter is about to turn one in less than a month. I have lost 22lbs since the day she was born....and it isn't nearly enough.

  I suppose if I had to have an "Official" diagnosis I would be called bulimia nervosa with anorexic tendencies. I have an official diagnosis for OCD and bipolar disorder. I was also called ADHD but I don't really think its a real thing, however I LOVED the 15 years of prescription concerta that the government paid for. I haven't been purging since I was about 17, right around the time I stablized at my lowest weight. At the time I was working full time, going to school part time and when I entered my daily activity into a calorie calculator I was  burning around 7000 cal a day. I could have lived on lard and pizza and still lost weight so the rest just wasn't nessecary at the time. Now is a different story.

I lost control and binged on new years, full out, eating until my stomach ached, my jaw couldn't chew another bite. I had potato chowder with bacon, cake, fudge, cookies, mixed drinks, UN-mixed drinks, brisket, everything....and suddenly there it was. that inner voice that couldn't be ignored that said to me:
BARF!...BARF NOW!!!OMG...YOU. ARE.DISGUSTING....BARF!.GET-IT-OUT-GET-IT-OUT-GET-IT-OUT...RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

And I did.